From the moment we are born, we are surrounded by messages about who we are, how we should behave, and what makes us valuable. These messages, passed down through families, cultures, and societies, shape our core beliefs about ourselves and the world. By adulthood, these beliefs feel like absolute truths—but they are often just stories we’ve inherited. They operate below our conscious awareness with a general insecurity or resistance to being able to do certain behaviors, no matter how much we want the results! Chapter Seven explores how these inherited beliefs influence our relationships and why challenging them is essential to breaking unhealthy patterns and fostering authentic connection.

The beliefs we inherit are powerful because they operate in the background, shaping our perceptions and behaviors without our conscious awareness. For instance, you might hold the belief that love must be earned through achievement or that expressing vulnerability is a sign of weakness. These beliefs are often absorbed from the environments we grew up in: the way our parents interacted with each other, the cultural narratives we were exposed to, and the societal norms we internalized.

While these beliefs are intended to help us navigate the world, they often create invisible barriers in our relationships. A belief like “I must always be strong and independent” can make it difficult to ask for help or express emotional needs, leaving a partner feeling shut out. Similarly, a belief like “Conflict is bad” can lead to avoidance of difficult conversations, preventing the resolution of underlying issues. These unconscious stories don’t just influence how we see ourselves—they also shape how we interpret our partner’s actions, often leading to miscommunication and misunderstanding.

One of the most challenging aspects of inherited beliefs is how deeply entrenched they can be. These stories are often reinforced by societal structures and norms, making them feel universal and unquestionable. For example, the idea that a “successful” relationship is one where partners never argue might prevent you from seeing conflict as an opportunity for growth. Similarly, gender norms that dictate how men and women should behave in relationships can limit both partners’ ability to show up authentically.

Recognizing and challenging these beliefs requires curiosity and self-reflection. It starts with asking questions like: “What do I believe about love, worthiness, or vulnerability?” and “Where did these beliefs come from?” For many people, this process reveals surprising insights. You might discover that a fear of abandonment stems from witnessing a parent’s divorce or that a need for perfection is rooted in a childhood where mistakes were met with harsh criticism.

The biggest challenge is that our beliefs shape how we see the world. We don’t see others as they are, we see them as we are. Our experience of the world at each developmental age and stage created our limitations and beliefs and then those beliefs and limitations create the world we can see. Part of what explains this is that the brain screens out  some information while highlighting other parts of our reality. This is called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) and it is the reason that as soon as we start thinking about getting a particular breed of dog, we notice that breed so frequently we start to ask ourselves a  question like, “How could I have never noticed this breed before, or was there an actual explosion of people moving here with this breed? 

In addition to the biological aspect, it may be that our consciousness is so powerful that it can create our reality or change the field of energy around us. More and more people are open to this “Sliding Doors” explanation of a quantum reality. Either way, by uncovering our unconscious belief systems, how these beliefs  support or block our energy to function, and feeding our RAS or consciousness positive information, we can transform our relationships with positive energy by following the Zero Negativity Challenge.

However, as with unmet childhood needs, uncovering inherited beliefs isn’t a purely intellectual exercise. These beliefs often reside in the subconscious, shaping our automatic reactions and emotional triggers. Simply recognizing them isn’t enough to dismantle them. Practices like journaling, mindfulness, or working with a therapist can help bring these beliefs to the surface and create space for new, more empowering narratives to emerge. The workshops that Imago offers have a step by step process to uncover these together. Learning about the hidden forces together can help you feel compassion and grow closer as a couple.

As you begin to identify and question your inherited beliefs, it’s important to approach this process with self compassion. These stories were often formed as protective mechanisms, designed to help you navigate challenging circumstances or fit into societal expectations. Letting go of them doesn’t mean rejecting your past—it means honoring the ways you’ve grown and choosing beliefs that align with your values and authentic self.

By unpacking the stories we live by, we gain the freedom to create new narratives—ones that support healthy, fulfilling relationships. Instead of believing the competitive paradigm’s axiom that love must be earned, you might come to see that you are inherently worthy of love and connection. Instead of fearing conflict, you might embrace it as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other. This transformation is not only liberating but also essential for breaking cycles of conflict and building a partnership rooted in mutual respect and authenticity.

When our unmet need meets the limitation of our partner rooted in a repressive message, we will begin to defend ourselves against the pain of our unmet need. When we defend ourselves we often begin a reactivity pattern that drives and escalates conflict. Lets learn more about this dance of conflict next.

To learn more about YOUR unmet needs, societal messages, and lost parts take one of these courses::

• Unpacking Our Baggage (2 of 3)
• Getting the Love You Want Couples Seminar and the 8-week challenge (3 of 3 plus tools for relationship repair, conflict resolution and more!)