Many of us enter relationships unconsciously influenced by the competitive paradigm—a subtle yet pervasive belief system that pits individuals against each other in a quest to “win.” This paradigm, often absorbed from societal norms, family dynamics, or cultural narratives, leads us to see our partner not as a collaborator but as someone whose approval, love, or agreement must be earned or conquered. While this dynamic may feel natural, it creates a destructive cycle of conflict, resentment, and emotional distance.

What makes the competitive paradigm so insidious is that it operates beneath our awareness. We rarely stop to question why we feel the need to have the last word in an argument or why we feel validated only when our partner admits they were wrong. These behaviors stem from a deeper, unconscious drive to protect our sense of worth—a drive rooted in experiences of unmet needs and doubts about our value. Without recognizing this, we can unknowingly sabotage our connection, prioritizing “winning” over understanding.

This unconscious programming often has its origins in childhood. When our needs for love, acceptance, or validation were inconsistently met—or when they were conditional upon our performance or behavior—we may have learned to equate being right with being worthy. 

The ideas took shape early as we received marks in school from our teachers beginning at age 4 or 5. We took these grades not as feedback about our effort but rather as a reflection of our value, worth and intelligence. And we understood that our worth was directly related to our classmates. An ‘A’ was a scarce commodity that only a few received by competing to prove themselves better than others. From sports to social media, we learned to compare, rank, and award value.

In school we were taught to select the true, best and right answer. As our minds sorted the good from the bad, we conditioned them to analyze, criticize and judge. We wrote papers to prove our thesis. These are the skills that earn recognition and high marks, but they are the skills of a competitive paradigm and the antithesis of what we long for in our relationships; empathy, cooperation and for everyone to get an A!

These early experiences form the foundation for the competitive dynamics that later show up in our adult relationships. What’s most challenging is that this programming is so deeply ingrained that we don’t even realize it’s there, silently shaping our actions and reactions.

Addressing the competitive paradigm isn’t about pointing fingers or labeling anyone as “bad” or “selfish.” Instead, it’s about uncovering the forces that compel us to engage in this toxic dynamic. But here’s the key: this kind of uncovering doesn’t happen by simply reading about the concept. Our current level of awareness is, in many ways, shockingly inaccurate and unconscious of unmet needs or how our self-doubt manifests in our relationships. We need more than a surface-level understanding; we need to explore the subconscious patterns that drive these behaviors.

This deeper exploration often requires us to engage in practices that go beyond intellectual understanding. Tools like guided reflection, group therapy, or intentional dialogues with our partner are essential for bringing these unconscious patterns to light. These practices help us connect with the parts of ourselves that feel unworthy or unloved—parts that our conscious mind may not even be aware exist. By facing these vulnerabilities with courage and compassion, we can begin to release the need to compete and instead embrace collaboration and mutual respect.

Breaking free from the competitive paradigm is not a quick fix, nor is it an easy process. It requires patience, vulnerability, and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves. However, the rewards are profound. As we shift from competition to collaboration, we create space for deeper intimacy. 

This collaboration is referred to as the Relational Paradigm which can be summarized as all people make sense all of the time. This transformation doesn’t just benefit our primary relationship— it changes how we see all of our relationships! Rather than analyzing and sorting human beings as good and bad, better than us or worse than us, we can see everyone as valuable, regardless of their performance or function. This paradigm helps us heal old wounds, strengthen our sense of self-worth, and approach life with greater authenticity and resilience. 

In the next chapter we will begin to learn a communication system called Imago (/ɪˈmɑːɡəʊ/). ​So to reiterate, we need better communication skills in order to unpack our “baggage” so we can  change our relationship patterns. And we need to do all of that by seeing things with a relational paradigm despite being trained to think from the competitive paradigm since we were kindergarten aged children. The paradigm shift could take a lot of time and intention, so in the meantime, we propose using a radical concept called Zero Negativity.